Romney Looks to End Campaign with Hilarious Gaff
NEW HAMPSHIRE – Political advisers are urging presidential-hopeful Mit Romney to do something very funny and embarrassing within the next fourteen days, thus ending his campaign with an act of public-service.
“I know Mit, and he’s in this thing to serve his country. If it starts to look like he won’t get the nomination, I know he’ll do the right thing and go out on a big laugh,” said Bishop Bruce Wilkins of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which Romney regularly attends.
“I’m here to help my country in her time of need,” said Romney in an AP interview Monday. Romney continued: “When and if it looks like my run isn’t going to work out, you can be damned-sure I’ll do the right thing.”
Bishop Wilkins predicts Romney will perform this task with the natural aptitude that has served him all his life: “It’s easy to say, yeah, he’ll fall down a flight of stairs into a birthday cake, but I think you should give Mit more credit than that. He’s a smart guy. I’m thinking it’ll be something with a chicken, maybe a run-in with a mascot…Hey, he’s got a big interview coming up next Tuesday. Leave it to Mit Romney to find a way to get punched in the crotch by Barbara Walters. Whatever happens–I’m sure it will be brilliant and hilarious.”
Outside the beltway, many Americans think of true patriotism as very rare. However, political insiders know that most people who are willing to devote their life and fortune to a presidential run are in-fact profoundly dedicated to the public good, for better or worse.
History of the ‘Monumental Gaff Finale’
The tradition of the Monumental Gaff Finale began nearly one-hundred years ago during the final presidential run of Theodore Roosevelt, nominee of the ‘Bull-Moose Party.’ When the impending failure of the campaign became clear to Roosevelt, he crafted a revolutionary plan to salvage his efforts–and serve his country.
In secret, Roosevelt arranged for a photo-op with a specially trained donkey on the rim of the Grand Canyon, during Independence Day celebrations of 1912. ‘Angus’ the donkey was to play a crucial role in the very first Monumental Gaff Finale.
The Press flocked to the event, anticipating a concession speech from Roosevelt. Those present included journalists representing every major newspaper, photographers, and even the first motion-picture camera crew.
Roosevelt was set to give a short speech and then mount the donkey for a ride along the rim’s edge. Just before stepping to the podium, Roosevelt bent over to adjust his boot-lace. As planned, ‘Angus’ kicked Roosevelt in the buttocks, sending him plummeting into the canyon.
The hilarity of the incident swept over the nation like a thunder-blast. Fits of laughter plagued the South for twenty-seven days, shutting down schools and government. New Yorkers, suffering from a record-setting heat-wave, forgot their troubles with a new dance–‘The Root-Toot-Boot-Scoot.’
Roosevelt emerged from the Colorado River three-weeks later near Tijuana, Mexico. It wasn’t long before he learned the stunt had been a monumental success. He had single-handedly dispersed the volatile, humorless atmosphere of the election.
It is said that a peasant offered Roosevelt a bottle of locally-brewed Mescal. Roosevelt turned the bottle down, preferring to celebrate with a draught of cactus-juice from a snake-skin cantina he had fashioned.
Ever since, faltering presidential candidates have often followed in Roosevelt’s footsteps, humiliating themselves in grandiose, career-ending spectacles. Americans are often cynical about the political motivations of presidential candidates, but Romney is just the latest in a long-line of patriots who realize that laughter truly is the best medicine, that is, if your campaign is doomed.