Independents Turn Against Major Parties, Offer Role of President to John Goodman

A group of independent voters numbering in the tens-of-thousands announced Thursday that it has offered the role of president to actor John Goodman. The group, COME ON, started out as a modest internet bulletin board but quickly blossomed into a national movement.

“We’re fed up with both parties. Neither of them offer any kind of clear-cut solution to all the problems America is facing; high-taxes, poor healthcare, that sort of thing,” said Randall Moore, Administrator of the COME ON website. “We need someone the whole country likes.”

After a few hours of research, COME ON decided the most universally-pleasing course of action was simply to hire an actor to play the part of president, nominated by a nameless, generic party. John Goodman quickly emerged as the favorite for the role. A supporting cast was also selected–including British actor Alan Rickman as the losing contender of the race.

Legendary character actor Alan Rickman is set to lose race.

Morgan Freeman was chosen for Vice President, though an election-eve death scene is planned to add emotional weight to Goodman’s victory. In a surprising–yet satisfying– turn-of-events, Speaker of the House and romantic interest Meryl Streep will go on to fill the office.

A few roles have yet to be filled. “We need like a Mexican Rob Morrow to be the assistant guy for John,” said Moore. “Maybe Indian, but we almost need a chick if it’s Indian.”

Some critics say an administration staffed by actors would literally accomplish nothing, but the unorthodox plan underscores the anger most centrists feel toward the entrenched Democratic and Republican parties.


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