Child Molestation Cover-Up Explained: Pope Planned Under-Cover Mission into Hell
VATICAN CITY- An unnamed informant has brought forth a shocking explanation of Pope Benedict’s role in a church-wide child molestation cover-up going back decades. The source claims it was all part of a plot to assassinate the devil.
Details of the plan were released Saturday morning by an unsettling man with a thin mustache. The man claims to have hacked into one of the Pope’s private communions with Jesus–the brains behind the plot.
“We know all about it now. Better luck next time, Ratzybaby,” chortled the mysterious man in a raspy, yet strangely charming voice not unlike Tom Waits.
For years Pope Benedict, formerly Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, boldly defied moral guidelines by ignoring allegations of molestation aimed at priests under his watch. Predatory priests were often simply shuffled from one church to another. In this oddly efficient way, a priest who stood accused could soon be re-supplied with unsuspecting children.
In recent years, Ratzinger’s role in the scandal has become increasingly apparent, yet the now-Pope Benedict has remained completely unwilling to consider resignation. Instead, he projects a stubborn, defensive air that alienates many Catholics, especially the ten-thousand-six-hundred and sixty-seven who were molested.
“I never understood how someone who literally believes in hell could look the other way like that–until today,” Said Jason Jones, victim of a notorious Boston area Priest. “It all makes sense now. It was a ruse. He wanted to get into hell–then take out Satan!”
The plan was apparently drafted by Jesus in 1953 in cooperation with Moses and a reformed John Wilkes Booth. Jesus covertly trolled the churches and religious schools of Europe, searching for the right man to carry out the job. He found it in Ratzinger, a brilliant but tough young student at Munich’s Ludwig-Maximilian University.
“I got to hand it to Ratzy…Fifty years of practically encouraging evil on Earth…Just so he could get a shot at taking me out on my home-turf. That took balls,” said the malevolent whistle-blower, who was later seen attending a Jay Mohr stand-up performance.
Jesus could not be reached for comment, but fierce storms rocked the Indian Ocean in an apparent show of frustration–as a plan that cost the innocence of thousands of children over a fifty year span was dashed by the wayside.
For now it appears the ultimate evil of Satan will continue, and hell will remain uninfiltrated by the holy assassin of Jesus, however many are expressing relief at finally comprehending the actions of Pope Benedict, here on Earth.