Cheney Seeks Treatment for Black-Heart
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL- The immediate family of Dick Cheney answered questions Sunday about the therapy sessions the former Vice President has been undergoing.
“He’s just seemed so emotionally vacant the last few years. I knew we had to try something new. We’d heard good things were being done with dolphins and decided to give it a try,” said wife Lynne Cheney.
“He seems to be reconnecting,” said experimental therapist Doctor Judy Bloom.
The therapy hasn’t been without stumbles. The team first tried to bring Cheney around with Goldie, a twelve-year old yellow lab. The easy-going canine had served as a welcome visitor at Miami hospitals for ten years.
“We brought Goldie into the room with Dick, and she just immediately went for his throat,” said Dr. Bloom. Goldie had never shown any signs of aggression before, having originally been adopted after rescuing a clutch of baby alligators from a wild-fire. After the encounter with Cheney, Goldie’s mood became strangely withdrawn, her fur turned white, and her paws developed stigmata-like lesions.
“So we decided to try a dolphin,” says Dr. Bloom.
“At first he pushed the dolphins away, but he’s been coming around a little more every day. He’ll probably never fully regain the sympathetic impulse level of the average person, but he’ll at least be able to acknowledge pain in others, admit wrong-doing, that sort of thing…some day…we think.
“We know this is doing a lot of good,” continued Lynne Cheney. “The other day he looked a cab driver in the eye for the first time in thirty years.”